I wish I could understand . …..

Staring at my grumpy baby while he sleeps, I just don’t understand how my own mother went 28 years with almost no contact with me. and it’s probably the only question just would want to ask……how could she not want me?

So a bit of background…..my parents split up and divorced by the time I was 3, after 2 years of court appearances my dad won the custody case to become my main carer, she was awarded visitation rights….. think it was a weekend every month plus a 2 week holiday…..he never took any of this. 

Don’t get me wrong I love my dad to bits and wouldn’t change how I grew up but I can’t understand how a parent could willingly not see their child? 

Growing up in felt this as a rejection and wondered why I wasn’t good enough for a mothers love. I did come to terms with this and it didn’t bother me as much ,especially as I became closer with my husbands family and I now have a monther/daughter  relationship with my MIL .  

I understand some women are not mentally or emotionally designed to be a parent,,but  surely you’d take precautions if that was the case? others I know are just too selfish to  raise children and others do it for the benefits.

But loving my baby, knowing I’d move the earth to keep him safe and loved , i don’t  why how she could do it , especially when she had another child that she kept (different dad). I’ll now never know why because she passed away at the beginning of the year and to be honest it was a bit of a relief. please don’t think me cold hearted but there was no relationship to mourn. 

Eddie will always have the knowledge that he is a wanted and much loved baby by me and my husband and our joint, complicated family!! 


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